To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.