Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
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Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.