The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.