How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
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Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Yes
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now