Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
You Might Also Like
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Cats (2019)
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Have kids, they said
next question.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”