Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
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someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
never deleting this app.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Planet of the Apps.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*