7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
awkward
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.