*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
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The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Stop.