Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
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My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!