When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
knights of the ikea table
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.