Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
You Might Also Like
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
this article brought to you by lions
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.