You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!