It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.