There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
You Might Also Like
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*