“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?