I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
me 2 months after i graduated
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.