Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
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Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number