After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.