I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
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Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Mmmm. Shoeshi
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When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.