A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen