I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
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[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I cannot stop laughing at this
I cannot call her anything else now
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad