That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
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I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
#Caturday
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.