I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
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Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Its a hippotatomus
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.