A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Storm Tropical Storm
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs