Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
You Might Also Like
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
where the womens at?
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
the answer was staring at me all along
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
favorite tropes as memes
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u