The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
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Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.