it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
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Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
shut up and take my money
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
What if the weather talks about us?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts