me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
You Might Also Like
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Need this in my life lol
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?