I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
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Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”