I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
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Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Finally, an explanation.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.