[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
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You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: