[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
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Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Damn he played himself
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.