HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
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Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.