I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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Sign of the day..
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Admin smashed it 😂
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.