Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
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“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”