Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief