Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
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If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
*jingles half the way*
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.