When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
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Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I love the National Park Service.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.