My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
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getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
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Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.