Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
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Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
This is always good for a laugh.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds