cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
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Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”