#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
You Might Also Like
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I have a type: disappointing
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.