him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
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No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
sistine chapel
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*