No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
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Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
#Caturday
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
The game has officially changed 😎