My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
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I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.