In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way