I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
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Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*