If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
The future is now.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Lol
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.