Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
*ernest hemingway voice*
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.