Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
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Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
wishing you and yours all the best
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.